Why? It should be so obvious. Castiel removes his hands from where they've balled in Dean's shirt and bring them up to hold his face. It's not gentle like caress ,it's firm and insistent, making Dean look at him, making him meet his eyes.

"Because I keep trying to make you proud, because I keep trying to stay with you and I always fail at both. Because I can't do another year of being at odds with you like this. It's too much for me to take and I can't stand having you look at me the way you do when you're disappointed or hurt. Because I need you to know that I need you too and that you are precious to me, as a friend, as a brother in arms, as the person that I--"

He stops there and just stares at Dean a moment, uncertain if he should continue. Yes, Dean kissed him back but that doesn't mean that Dean isn't apt to reject this gesture.

Dean tells him to stop and he deflates, but almost instantly he feels a little spark of something that feels like hope flare up in his chest when Dean pulls him in. Castiel remembers the last time this happened, how he just stood there and didn't know what to do. This time he raises his arms and wraps them around Dean's shoulders from underneath and turns his face, pressing it against the other man's neck and jaw.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I'm so sorry." He squeezes him a little tighter then, wanting him to really understand how deeply he means that and thinks that ... just maybe they can fix this after all.

Cas closes his eyes shut tight and gives himself a moment to memorize this, the feeling of being in Dean's arms and held tight, just in case he never does get it again. He hopes he will. He pulls back and because he isn't ready to let go entirely just yet, he reaches up and rubs his thumb against Dean's cheek briefly (it's a sad parallel of the touch that Dean left Castiel with in purgatory) before letting go and stepping back.

"Alright. We'll figure it out later."

It's alright, now, now that Castiel doesn't feel like his whole world is crashing down around him, now that Dean knows, now that he has hope.

"I wouldn't mind a shower, and a change of clothes if you have them." Because now that he's becomming human he's noticing just how uncomfortable the clothes he has on are when he has a stomach wound. "And you still have to tell me what happened with Abaddon."

Castiel winces when Dean admits he made a mistake nods his head. "I imagined something went wrong when you weren't here when I returned from shopping."

He did more than shop of course and he still needs to tell Dean about everything he missed, but now isn't the right moment. Later, when he's showered and they're sitting more comfortably. "There are things I need to tell you too. Things that happened when you were gone."

There is a new issue of Busty Asian Beauties and a package of toilet paper sitting on the bed and Castiel takes a seat beside it, not remarking on it. He sits on the edge of the bed and tries to think of how to tell this in a way that is .. objective, so that he doesn't make things worse. "Metatron paid me a visit."

He accepts the sweatpants and shirt and folds them neatly in his lap. "There are trials we can use in order to close heaven. I've already completed the first, but ... I don't know if I want to continue."

"That angels will be shut inside, and I will remain here. With you." Because that's what Castiel wants more than anything. He wants to be by Dean's side and if that means he has to sacrifice his ability to go home to heaven, then he will make a new one here with the hunter and his brother.

"Yes." It is likely why he is beginning to heal so slowly, why he is already falling even as they speak. "I won't lie to you, the idea frightens me, however I can think of much worse fates, and if it means I can remain here with you and Sam then I think it will be well worth the sacrifice."

It's almost ideal in a way. A blank slate, a fresh start.

"There are other things I am more concerned with than falling. Such as yes, the trials. If the other two are anything like the first I ... I don't know that I can complete them. The first one felt immoral. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I am afraid that the price of closing heaven will come at too high a cost."

"Metatron," Castiel says his face stiff and uncomfortable. He doesn't know that he trusts his strange reclusive brother. He had wanted to, so badly, but after what he had lead Castiel into doing ...

"I had thought at first that it would be alright, but hearing about the trials and then doing them ... the first trial was to kill a nephilim." Castiel looks down at his hand ashamed. "I was ... uncomfortable with it once I learned what we were meant to do but things happened fast and she attempted to kill Metatron."

Cas considers it but then shakes his head. No, he can't imagine that will be good for his body which is struggling to heal. "Not a giant like you might be imagining, I had not thought them real myself. In fact there was only one on earth, the offspring of a human and an angel."

That has been stuck in Castiel's mind ever since. He had known that his feelings for Dean were extremely frowned upon in heaven, but he had not considered the other implications of their relationship. That such a thing might have occurred between an angel and a human before. That the nephilim were more than myth.

"I don't know, I didn't write the tablet, Dean. In any case that was what the first trial was. I feel ... remorse. I ... Dean, I don't know if I can continue."

Cas slides over and pushes himself into a position where he is sitting up, but leaning against the headboard so he can see Dean more easily while they talk without twisting himself into an uncomfortable position.

"I know that, but I'm afraid of the consequences of not shutting it down. Heaven has become so great a danger. To itself, to mankind. I know it's my fault, I also know that ... despite my desire to atone and correct it, I'm not the right person to fix it. But something has to be done."

"I'm not sure there is anyone else, and I'm afraid to let heaven have free reign wherever it likes." He doesn't like it though at all. Castiel has grown so tired in recent years, and there never seems to be a way out.

"Is what I want so wrong?" He asks looking over at Dean with a small frown. "To do what you do? Save people? To be a hunter?"