"I'm not sure there is anyone else, and I'm afraid to let heaven have free reign wherever it likes." He doesn't like it though at all. Castiel has grown so tired in recent years, and there never seems to be a way out.

"Is what I want so wrong?" He asks looking over at Dean with a small frown. "To do what you do? Save people? To be a hunter?"

"I don't mean you. I mean heaven. Everyone up there seems to have their opinion on what I should or shouldn't be doing and they're willing to force me to toe the line if need be." He sighs and looks at Dean a bit wistfully. "When I said I wanted to be a hunter, I truly meant it. When I'm with you and Sam I'm happy, I feel like I'm doing something good, something worthwhile. And I'm happy here."

"Why would that be such a terrible thing?" Because really, being an angel? It was wonderful when he had thought he had purpose, when he had believed in the stories he was being spoon fed about doing his father's work. Since then, since learning the lies it felt like something shameful. Like he was only a few steps above being an angel. Being a human though? Having the ability to feel all those precious emotions in full force, to be able to truly have the gift of free will. "I've considered before that ... it's what I think I want."

He did want to fix it, still does if he's honest with himself, but the mess is far bigger than he ever realized before and he knows that it's more than he himself can handle taking on. "I think that heaven was broken far longer than I ever realized, Dean." As for the rest, well ... "Eternity tends to look bleak when there are people who you've become attached to. Loss seems more terrifying when you know you'll be the one left behind."

"You should. You have certainly earned it. I'm just not sure that I do anymore." Castiel looks at Dean sadly and thinks he could get used to this, sharing the intimacy of a private conversation, sharing his fears with someone who will listen to him and try and offer comfort. "How can I go home with what just happened? And if heavens doors are closed I won't be able to."

"No, Dean. I won't. If heaven's doors close only souls will be able to pass through as aided by reapers. Angels will be locked in or out as the case may be." He smiles sadly and sighs. "I suppose there is little use in discussing it. I doubt I will have much say in the matter."

He looks down at Dean and considers the action a good long moment before lowering his and to touch the ends of Dean's hair. "Ultimately I don't mind if I am an angel or a Han so long as it is possible to share your afterlife with you when it is time, though I am uncertain if that is a priveledge I will be afforded."

It makes Castiel's heart swell a bit, to know that he is so well loved, that Dean will not give up on him. Cas slides his fingers through Dean's hair, massaging his scalp and feels himself relax. "If anyone can see it done it's you."

He has faith that Dean can achieve anything he puts his mind to, and it makes him feel proud thinking of all the things he has already overcome.

"You've proved yourself over and over again. I've only proved myself a failure." It's true in every sense, however Dean feels about himself every time he has been tested he has come through and proven himself worthy and just. Castiel's tests have all resolved themselves in failure. "

"That's quite the understatement, Dean, but thank you." He appreciates the gesture, even if he doesn't fully believe it. The fact that even now Dean has faith in him does give him hope, even if he doesn't understand it. "I will never understand all this faith you have in me. I hardly deserve it. I've treated you shamefully. You deserve a better friend."

Castiel nods, but only because he doesn't want to further upset Dean. He can't blame him for not wanting to discuss it. It's all much too painful and Castiel has already forced the issue too many times today.

"What happened when you were gone?"