curseboxes | {perkynipples} You don't understand. I NEED pie.

{perkynipples} You don't understand. I NEED pie.

Castiel had had ample time to stew in the juices of his misdeeds long before he returned to the bunker, his groceries in hand. When Dean was not there he grew agitated. When a full day came and went without word from either of the Winchesters he grew worried.

Considering the present climate of chaos in their lives any number of unsavory scenarios had occurred to Castiel as possibilities for their absence - but Dean has forbidden Castiel to go to him, so he tries to comply with Dean's wishes for once and stays. That doesn't mean it's easy. It doesn't mean the combination of his own intense guilt, his feeling of helplessness, and general ill-ease about Castiel's fight with Dean has made it easy. By the time he hears the impala pull up outside he's worked himself back into irritation again, almost anger, and so when Sam and Dean finally make their way in the door the first thing that comes out of Castiel's mouth is a very gruff and confrontational "Where were you?"

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"...What happens when you close Heaven?"

There are a million questions to ask. What happens when they close Heaven? What happens when they shut the angels out of Earth? What happens when there's nothing left- is Cas going with them? What if he's shut out?

Dean swallows and gently picks up the magazine, the toilet paper and sets them aside, realizes he doesn't know what to do with his hands, so he straightens up an already immaculately kept room.

"That angels will be shut inside, and I will remain here. With you." Because that's what Castiel wants more than anything. He wants to be by Dean's side and if that means he has to sacrifice his ability to go home to heaven, then he will make a new one here with the hunter and his brother.

"And you'll fall," Dean says.

It all clicks into place. Castiel is going to fall if he does these, because it'll shut the other angels out, it'll leave him behind, which is why he's falling now - if he's done the first one.

Goddamnit.

"What are the trials?"

"Yes." It is likely why he is beginning to heal so slowly, why he is already falling even as they speak. "I won't lie to you, the idea frightens me, however I can think of much worse fates, and if it means I can remain here with you and Sam then I think it will be well worth the sacrifice."

It's almost ideal in a way. A blank slate, a fresh start.

"There are other things I am more concerned with than falling. Such as yes, the trials. If the other two are anything like the first I ... I don't know that I can complete them. The first one felt immoral. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I am afraid that the price of closing heaven will come at too high a cost."

This is six different kinds of not okay, and it shows on his face as he stares at him, mute and unhappy and swallowing around the lump in his throat that he can't quite get rid of.

"Where the hell did you find out about the trials?" Dean asks hoarsely, and shifts to go around the room, flopping face-first on the bed again, still in his clothing from earlier, not bothering to take anything but his belt off, which ends up in a heap on the floor. "What are they? Shouldn't the ones to do Heaven not be-- y'know, immoral?"

"Metatron," Castiel says his face stiff and uncomfortable. He doesn't know that he trusts his strange reclusive brother. He had wanted to, so badly, but after what he had lead Castiel into doing ...

"I had thought at first that it would be alright, but hearing about the trials and then doing them ... the first trial was to kill a nephilim." Castiel looks down at his hand ashamed. "I was ... uncomfortable with it once I learned what we were meant to do but things happened fast and she attempted to kill Metatron."

Yeah, needing a drink is happening right about now. He's got a fifth of something dark and amber in his bag, and he steals it out of there, uncapping it and knocking back a healthy mouthful, passing it to Castiel after a moment of consideration.

"...Wait, those are real? The hell, dude, why d'you gotta gank one? Why's a trial for an angel about ganking something?"

Cas considers it but then shakes his head. No, he can't imagine that will be good for his body which is struggling to heal. "Not a giant like you might be imagining, I had not thought them real myself. In fact there was only one on earth, the offspring of a human and an angel."

That has been stuck in Castiel's mind ever since. He had known that his feelings for Dean were extremely frowned upon in heaven, but he had not considered the other implications of their relationship. That such a thing might have occurred between an angel and a human before. That the nephilim were more than myth.

"I don't know, I didn't write the tablet, Dean. In any case that was what the first trial was. I feel ... remorse. I ... Dean, I don't know if I can continue."

Yeah, probably not, but it's not like it's ever stopped Dean before. Still, he doesn't push, not right now. Instead, he curls up on the bed, stretches out his jean-clad legs, and closes his eyes a moment.

"...So don't," Dean says simply, and his eyes are slitted, half open, watching Cas quietly as he swirls the whiskey in the bottle. "Free will, Cas."

Besides, if Cas is second guessing it, well, Dean'll take that and be grateful because there hasn't been a whole hell of a lot of that recently.

Cas slides over and pushes himself into a position where he is sitting up, but leaning against the headboard so he can see Dean more easily while they talk without twisting himself into an uncomfortable position.

"I know that, but I'm afraid of the consequences of not shutting it down. Heaven has become so great a danger. To itself, to mankind. I know it's my fault, I also know that ... despite my desire to atone and correct it, I'm not the right person to fix it. But something has to be done."

Dean shifts until he's propped up enough to see Castiel's face while he's drinking. This-- well, it's better than how they were before, even if that was mostly his fault for behaving that way. He didn't take it back, of course - still thought that it was the right thing to do right then.

"...So you let someone else do it. Someone else do the trials." Dean glances over at him, knocks back another mouthful and feels it burn its way down. "Or you don't do 'em at all and let Heaven sort its shit out 'cause you're not their mom."

"I'm not sure there is anyone else, and I'm afraid to let heaven have free reign wherever it likes." He doesn't like it though at all. Castiel has grown so tired in recent years, and there never seems to be a way out.

"Is what I want so wrong?" He asks looking over at Dean with a small frown. "To do what you do? Save people? To be a hunter?"

Then again, there may be no one else just because if that were the only half human, half angel lovechild, then they might just be shit out of luck. Dean frowns a little more, and sips at his whiskey for the time being, going a little slower.

"...What? I never said it was wrong."

"I don't mean you. I mean heaven. Everyone up there seems to have their opinion on what I should or shouldn't be doing and they're willing to force me to toe the line if need be." He sighs and looks at Dean a bit wistfully. "When I said I wanted to be a hunter, I truly meant it. When I'm with you and Sam I'm happy, I feel like I'm doing something good, something worthwhile. And I'm happy here."

"Cas," Dean exhales the angel's name and half-laughs at that, because it's just so absurd to him, even now, that someone would want to fall like that, after how horrible it is. Then again, it's not like this is that much better, being jerked hither and yon.

Dean shifts, rolls onto his back and stretches out, taking a long drink, his feet starting to tingle, finally, god. "I don't want you to fall, man. That's the last thing I want."

"Why would that be such a terrible thing?" Because really, being an angel? It was wonderful when he had thought he had purpose, when he had believed in the stories he was being spoon fed about doing his father's work. Since then, since learning the lies it felt like something shameful. Like he was only a few steps above being an angel. Being a human though? Having the ability to feel all those precious emotions in full force, to be able to truly have the gift of free will. "I've considered before that ... it's what I think I want."

"You used to want to fix it up there, Cas," Dean doesn't try to sound accusing, but it's close. It's really, really close and Dean is rather gracefully working his way to drunk as he tips his head back and swallows yet another mouthful, and then eases out onto the bed after it's capped, loose-limbed, able to shove down the thoughts of the twelve hours, and focuses on the way he feels warm and tired and lazy for a few minutes. "Why can't you be both. Angel with all the fun human parts, huh? You were gettin' there."

He did want to fix it, still does if he's honest with himself, but the mess is far bigger than he ever realized before and he knows that it's more than he himself can handle taking on. "I think that heaven was broken far longer than I ever realized, Dean." As for the rest, well ... "Eternity tends to look bleak when there are people who you've become attached to. Loss seems more terrifying when you know you'll be the one left behind."

"Yeah, it happens." Humanity isn't much better, let's be real here. Dean rolls over to watch him through lidded eyes, rather impressed he's having this conversation so coherently between the shit day he's had and everything else. "You're not gonna lose us, either. Me and Sammy -- we-- I mean."

Well, now is the time to ask, he supposes. "We have a place up there, right?"

"You should. You have certainly earned it. I'm just not sure that I do anymore." Castiel looks at Dean sadly and thinks he could get used to this, sharing the intimacy of a private conversation, sharing his fears with someone who will listen to him and try and offer comfort. "How can I go home with what just happened? And if heavens doors are closed I won't be able to."

If Dean's too hard on himself most of the time, then Cas really, honestly puts him to shame the rest of it. Dean isn't exactly the best at offering comfort, but it's clear by the awkward way he tests his words, weighs them out before he speaks, quiet and slow into the pillow, that he's trying.

"You can if you stay an angel."

"No, Dean. I won't. If heaven's doors close only souls will be able to pass through as aided by reapers. Angels will be locked in or out as the case may be." He smiles sadly and sighs. "I suppose there is little use in discussing it. I doubt I will have much say in the matter."

He looks down at Dean and considers the action a good long moment before lowering his and to touch the ends of Dean's hair. "Ultimately I don't mind if I am an angel or a Han so long as it is possible to share your afterlife with you when it is time, though I am uncertain if that is a priveledge I will be afforded."

Truthfully, after seeing how "easy" it was to get in and out of Hell, he had to wonder how hard it would be to figure out a way to go there, or Heaven if need be. Not a really heartening thought, though.

"You're both comin' with me, like it or not," Dean mumbles into the pillow, only to jerk when Castiel's hand touches his hair, jolting and then relaxing as he realizes what it is, swallowing back the instinctive reach for a weapon. "I'm not just gonna roll over and let you and Sam get left behind."

It makes Castiel's heart swell a bit, to know that he is so well loved, that Dean will not give up on him. Cas slides his fingers through Dean's hair, massaging his scalp and feels himself relax. "If anyone can see it done it's you."

He has faith that Dean can achieve anything he puts his mind to, and it makes him feel proud thinking of all the things he has already overcome.

The tension lingers in him for the longest time, his back drawn up as he tries to relax into it. This kind of casual intimacy isn't exactly easy to deal with after years of not having it. One night stands and Lisa not included, of course.

"You know, 's messed up. You've got all this faith in the worst possible guy, and none left over for you," Dean doesn't take the words back once they're out, but it's true. Yeah, Dean's pissed. Yeah, he's furious that Cas had done what he had done, and done it over and over, and yeah, this was a shit situation, but if Cas just bucked up a little and didn't bend over for all the angels who asked pretty please, well...

{perkynipples} You don't understand. I NEED pie.

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