curseboxes | {perkynipples} You don't understand. I NEED pie.

{perkynipples} You don't understand. I NEED pie.

Castiel had had ample time to stew in the juices of his misdeeds long before he returned to the bunker, his groceries in hand. When Dean was not there he grew agitated. When a full day came and went without word from either of the Winchesters he grew worried.

Considering the present climate of chaos in their lives any number of unsavory scenarios had occurred to Castiel as possibilities for their absence - but Dean has forbidden Castiel to go to him, so he tries to comply with Dean's wishes for once and stays. That doesn't mean it's easy. It doesn't mean the combination of his own intense guilt, his feeling of helplessness, and general ill-ease about Castiel's fight with Dean has made it easy. By the time he hears the impala pull up outside he's worked himself back into irritation again, almost anger, and so when Sam and Dean finally make their way in the door the first thing that comes out of Castiel's mouth is a very gruff and confrontational "Where were you?"

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"Cas," Dean exhales the angel's name and half-laughs at that, because it's just so absurd to him, even now, that someone would want to fall like that, after how horrible it is. Then again, it's not like this is that much better, being jerked hither and yon.

Dean shifts, rolls onto his back and stretches out, taking a long drink, his feet starting to tingle, finally, god. "I don't want you to fall, man. That's the last thing I want."

"Why would that be such a terrible thing?" Because really, being an angel? It was wonderful when he had thought he had purpose, when he had believed in the stories he was being spoon fed about doing his father's work. Since then, since learning the lies it felt like something shameful. Like he was only a few steps above being an angel. Being a human though? Having the ability to feel all those precious emotions in full force, to be able to truly have the gift of free will. "I've considered before that ... it's what I think I want."

"You used to want to fix it up there, Cas," Dean doesn't try to sound accusing, but it's close. It's really, really close and Dean is rather gracefully working his way to drunk as he tips his head back and swallows yet another mouthful, and then eases out onto the bed after it's capped, loose-limbed, able to shove down the thoughts of the twelve hours, and focuses on the way he feels warm and tired and lazy for a few minutes. "Why can't you be both. Angel with all the fun human parts, huh? You were gettin' there."

He did want to fix it, still does if he's honest with himself, but the mess is far bigger than he ever realized before and he knows that it's more than he himself can handle taking on. "I think that heaven was broken far longer than I ever realized, Dean." As for the rest, well ... "Eternity tends to look bleak when there are people who you've become attached to. Loss seems more terrifying when you know you'll be the one left behind."

"Yeah, it happens." Humanity isn't much better, let's be real here. Dean rolls over to watch him through lidded eyes, rather impressed he's having this conversation so coherently between the shit day he's had and everything else. "You're not gonna lose us, either. Me and Sammy -- we-- I mean."

Well, now is the time to ask, he supposes. "We have a place up there, right?"

"You should. You have certainly earned it. I'm just not sure that I do anymore." Castiel looks at Dean sadly and thinks he could get used to this, sharing the intimacy of a private conversation, sharing his fears with someone who will listen to him and try and offer comfort. "How can I go home with what just happened? And if heavens doors are closed I won't be able to."

If Dean's too hard on himself most of the time, then Cas really, honestly puts him to shame the rest of it. Dean isn't exactly the best at offering comfort, but it's clear by the awkward way he tests his words, weighs them out before he speaks, quiet and slow into the pillow, that he's trying.

"You can if you stay an angel."

"No, Dean. I won't. If heaven's doors close only souls will be able to pass through as aided by reapers. Angels will be locked in or out as the case may be." He smiles sadly and sighs. "I suppose there is little use in discussing it. I doubt I will have much say in the matter."

He looks down at Dean and considers the action a good long moment before lowering his and to touch the ends of Dean's hair. "Ultimately I don't mind if I am an angel or a Han so long as it is possible to share your afterlife with you when it is time, though I am uncertain if that is a priveledge I will be afforded."

Truthfully, after seeing how "easy" it was to get in and out of Hell, he had to wonder how hard it would be to figure out a way to go there, or Heaven if need be. Not a really heartening thought, though.

"You're both comin' with me, like it or not," Dean mumbles into the pillow, only to jerk when Castiel's hand touches his hair, jolting and then relaxing as he realizes what it is, swallowing back the instinctive reach for a weapon. "I'm not just gonna roll over and let you and Sam get left behind."

It makes Castiel's heart swell a bit, to know that he is so well loved, that Dean will not give up on him. Cas slides his fingers through Dean's hair, massaging his scalp and feels himself relax. "If anyone can see it done it's you."

He has faith that Dean can achieve anything he puts his mind to, and it makes him feel proud thinking of all the things he has already overcome.

The tension lingers in him for the longest time, his back drawn up as he tries to relax into it. This kind of casual intimacy isn't exactly easy to deal with after years of not having it. One night stands and Lisa not included, of course.

"You know, 's messed up. You've got all this faith in the worst possible guy, and none left over for you," Dean doesn't take the words back once they're out, but it's true. Yeah, Dean's pissed. Yeah, he's furious that Cas had done what he had done, and done it over and over, and yeah, this was a shit situation, but if Cas just bucked up a little and didn't bend over for all the angels who asked pretty please, well...

"You've proved yourself over and over again. I've only proved myself a failure." It's true in every sense, however Dean feels about himself every time he has been tested he has come through and proven himself worthy and just. Castiel's tests have all resolved themselves in failure. "

"Bullshit."

It's too late for confidence inducing talks, but Dean reaches up, and over, and clenches his hand on Castiel's shoulder, just once, and then drops it, letting him go.

"You're not a failure. You make some shit decisions."

"That's quite the understatement, Dean, but thank you." He appreciates the gesture, even if he doesn't fully believe it. The fact that even now Dean has faith in him does give him hope, even if he doesn't understand it. "I will never understand all this faith you have in me. I hardly deserve it. I've treated you shamefully. You deserve a better friend."

A little, but Dean doesn't agree to it, because too much of that and he's going to wind up genuinely hurting Castiel's feelings even worse, and that's what he's trying to avoid right now, after the shittastic day.

"You fucked up, yeah. Cas, stop beating a dead horse, okay?"

Castiel nods, but only because he doesn't want to further upset Dean. He can't blame him for not wanting to discuss it. It's all much too painful and Castiel has already forced the issue too many times today.

"What happened when you were gone?"

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{perkynipples} You don't understand. I NEED pie.

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